All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
false alarm, still single
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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