I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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