Please, let me fuck your mom
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize