Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
