What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
