i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
