I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
