One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize