i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
