I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
