Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
