I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
they're like a gay fantastic four
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
