margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
