why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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