True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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