I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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