Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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