I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
