WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
