I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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