Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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