Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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