Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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