In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Is Oprah even human
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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