she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
