The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
