thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You ruined the universe
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
