my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
