I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
