You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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