Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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