It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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