the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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