One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
