2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The beer is more important than you right now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
