Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me I should be a condom model.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
