I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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