I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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