I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
