his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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