Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
