I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
