Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
