she woke up with a sticky ear
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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