I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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