the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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