I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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