I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
