I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
