Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
