Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize