you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
