She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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