Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
