did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
