we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
