So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
