we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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