I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
